With Its Words Of A Life That Could Almost Be True (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Black Throated Wind")

Our nineteen-year-old daughter was confronted with a conflict while working as a camp counselor. Camp is scheduled to end two days before she needs to be at her university dormitory in New York City. She needed a week at home in Toronto before heading down to University. So she arranged with the camp to that she would leave four or five days prior to the official conclusion of camp. She and the camp agreed and signed a contract.  When I went to visit her, my wife and our two other children last week, she and I spoke about her early departure. She explained that she felt conflicted because originally she wanted to leave a week before the official conclusion of camp and the camp ‘s original position was that leaving early was unnecessary. Both sides compromised on four days.  As we spoke and she shared with me her frustration, I suggested that she speak to her boss, request an earlier departure date and simultaneously offer to forego being paid the last week. I thought my suggestion was completely reasonable. She gave me a look of shock and incredulity. Then she stated, “I have a contract, I gave my word”.

This Shabbat, we read from the final two Parshiot in Sefer Bemidbar (Book of Numbers): Matot and Masei.  This double Parsha begins with the laws of Nedarim (Vows), and then Bnai Yisroel fights against the Midianites. Moshe rebukes his officers for their collective failure to deal with the Midianite woman since they were the cause of Bnai Yisroel’s plague in the first place. Bnai Yisroel then begins the process of dividing the spoils of this battle. Two tribes, Reuben and Gad request to settle in the land east of the Jordan River and not the land promised by Hashem. Moshe expresses his anger over the request and the two tribes amend their request. Moshe adds a condition and an agreement is reached. The Torah recounts the various stops that Bnai Yisroel made on their journey to Eretz Canaan, the boundaries of Eretz Canaan are clarified, the new leadership is introduced and the cities of refuge of explained and established. Finally, Sefer Bemidbar concludes with a reminder of the laws for tribal inheritance. With all those loose ends neatly sewn up; Bnai Yisroel now sits on the eastern bank of the Jordan River waiting to enter Eretz Canaan. As we conclude the reading, we say Chazak Chazak v’ NitChazeik – From strength to strength we shall go forward in strength.

The beginning of the Parsha, with its focus upon Nedarim v’Shvuot Vows and Oaths, we are being reminded of two vital concepts. First, we are reminded of the Aseret Dibrot, of the Ten Commandments and specifically invoking God’s name in vain.  Ish Ki Yidor Neder L’adoshem When a man takes a vow to Hashem (Num. 30:3). Part of the process by which one makes a vow is to invoke God name. Therefore, a failure to keep the vow or the oath means that one has used God’s name in vain. The repercussions of which are extremely serious.  Second, we learned in Sefer Breishit (Book of Genesis) that speech is holy. Speech is part of the God’s creative process; Vayomer Elokim, Yehi Or, VaYahi Or- And God said: Let there be Light, and there was light. In a sense, speech is perhaps one of the only actions available to us that allow us to emulate God. When we make a vow or an oath, we are acting similar to God. A Neder is a pledge to prohibit oneself from something that that the Torah permits. Or a Neder can be obligating oneself to something that the Torah considers to be optional. Obligating one’s self to contribute to a specific charity would be an example of "obligating that which is optional". Refraining from apples would be an example of prohibiting something that is originally acceptable. In either case, the individual is truly acting like God. The individual is creating Halacha and making his vow and or oath becomes tantamount to Torah. Clearly, this cannot be taken lightly. After all, the severity of the language is a function of the fact that one makes this vow, pledge or oath to God and not to oneself or to another.  Fundamental to our vows with God is a trust in the relationship, trust that it exists, trust that it is desired by both and trust that is must be treated as sacred.

Indeed, my daughter made gave her word regarding her early departure from camp. Yes, she complained. Yes, she shared her anxiety as she wondered how everything would get done before her leaving for university. Yes, she was certainly shocked when I suggested that she calmly and reasonably offer to give up a week of pay in order to leave earlier than the time that had been agreed upon. All that time, as I listened to her, and made suggestions, I thought I was listening to my little girl. After she incredulously told me that she gave me her word and signed a contract’ my little girl reminded me that her mother and I spent the last nineteen years raising her to be a woman that kept her word.  I guess she is our little girl isn’t so little anymore. Indeed, she is a woman of her word.  

Peace,

Rav Yitz  

I Would Say That The Blame Is Mine (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

A few Sundays ago, it was “Daddy Day”. I had the opportunity to spend the day with our children while my wife was busy.  I had the great idea of taking the kids horseback riding. I found a place, made a phone call and spoke to the horse stables. The individual explained to me the physical requirements: age, height, length of inseam etc.  Our 13 and 11 year old satisfied all the requirements. Our nine year old was too young, and his inseam was maybe 1 ½ to 2 inches too short.  I explained to him that we would try and go anyway but I needed him to lie.  He looked up at me and I could see the worry on his face. I asked him what was wrong.  “You and mommy don’t get mad when I lie.” I reminded him that he routinely tells lies when we ask him if he washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom or if his homework was finished and he would say “yes”.  He quickly explained that those are very different cases because “you know I am lying and basically I am playing a game. This is different.”  However he wanted to go horseback riding so he went along.  I told him that he was now 10 instead of 9. He was in 5^th grade and not 4^th grade. He was born in 2003 and not in 2004. I reminded him to just answer the questions that are asked. On our way to the stables, we practiced. “How old are you?” “Ten”.  “What grade are you in?” “ 5^th grade”.  “What year were you born?” “2003”. I reminded him that when he is asked these questions, he needs to look straight ahead at the person and just answer the way we practiced.  Well when we arrived, the woman who ran the stables asked  our son how old he was.  He blinked for a long time,  he  took a deep breath, and looked straight up toward the ceiling and answered in one breath, “I am 10, I was born in 2003, and I am in 5^th grade.” His sisters and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes and thought the same thing. “What a bad liar!” It turned out that he didn’t fit into the stirrup anyway so we never went horseback riding.  When we told Mommy about  the incident, she was so proud that he was such a bad liar.

This Shabbat we read from Parshah Toldot. This Parshah serves as a transition from the narratives of Avraham  to the upcoming narratives of Yaakov. This one Parshah focuses upon Yitzchak and Rivka’s struggle to have children, the ensuing twin sons that are born: Yaakov and Esav, Yitzchak receiving the same blessing re-affirmation of the covenant that Avraham received, Esav’s selling his birthright and then Rebecca scheming with her son Yaakov to trick Yitzchak into giving Yaakov the Blessing of the first born.  The Parshah concludes with Yaakov receiving the Blessing and then being forced to flee for his life because of his brother’s wrath.  

When Esav comes to get his blessing, Yitzchak, the father, tells his son, the son whom he intended to bless states:  Vayomer Bah Achicha B’Mirmah Vayikach Birchatecha – He (Yitzchak) said, Your brother came  B’Mirmah (in guile, in fraud) and took your  blessing.  The statement suggests that Yaakov coldly and callously stole Esav’s blessing. However in reality Yaakov reluctantly went along with his mother, Rebecca’s, plan.  When Yaakov heard his mother’s plan, Yaakov responded with caution Ulai YeMusheini  Avi V’Hayita V’Einav Kimtatei’ah V’Heiveiti Alai K’lalah V’Lo Bracha – Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall be as a mocker in his eyes; I will therefore bring a curse upon myself rather than a blessing (27:12). Yaakov recognizes the shortcomings in the plan and recognizes that there is a real risk to being caught in a web of deceit.  .  After his mother re-assures him that she will take responsibility, Yaakov goes and brings meat for his mother to prepare, VaYeilech VaYiKach Vayavei L’Imo. The Talmudic Sages in Breishit Rabbah offer an insight into Yaakov’s reluctance to go along with his mother’s plan.  They explain very simply and succinctly Enos V’Chafuf U’Bocheh – Under duress, bent and weeping. From this comment, the Talmudic sages suggest that Yaakov was deeply troubled, caught between not wanting to deceive his father and not wanting to disappoint his mother.  Yes he ultimately went along with his mother’s plan, but did so unenthusiastically and hesitatingly.

When I listened to our son, tell his mom what I had asked him to do, it was quite evident that I had put him into an uncomfortable position, a position that he was not yet ready to assume.  Needless to say I was quite proud that his conscience bothered him about such a white lie. He still claims to have washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom when indeed he hasn’t. He still tells us that he finished his homework, when he hasn’t.  However I realize the discomfort and the trepidation that I caused my son was a result of the fact that I asked him to do something that we otherwise deem as inappropriate. I suppose my son taught me a valuable lesson.

Peace,

Rav Yitz